College Football

[Jonquil the Dauphin]

Thinking about the Steelers for my survivor pool this week, but is it possible that last Sunday was the norm rather than a aberration and yellow and black just blow this year?

[Ron Mexico]

Not sure, I'm thinking aberration and taking them in mine, but if they wind up losing at home to the Hawks, it'll be $10 well spent anyway. Interesting that Bill Levy is reffing the game...

[Jonquil the Dauphin]

I can't imagine them losing to Tavaris Jackson and Gimpy Rice, but what do I know? I'd think they'll put a beatdown on Seattle, but you're right, seeing them lose at home to that sorry group of professional players might be worth the Grant note.

[Hizzy III]

I don't usually throw out absolutes but there is NO way the Steelers are losing to the Seahawks. The Steelers had a bizzaro rough day at the office on Sunday but they're not 28 points worse than the Ravens on a normal day--granted, they don't look to be AS good, regardless of location, but they're still better than what they showed on Sunday.

The Seahawks are atrocious, though. Their 16-point loss to the 49ers was legit. The two kick returns didn't merely pad the final score for the Niners; it actually righted the balance of what had been happening for most of the day. An average NFL team would've been up on Seattle 28-0 at halftime. The 49ers bungled their way to a 16-3 lead (or whatever) and still saw that lead reduced to 19-17 late in the fourth mainly because the 49ers offense is probably among the three or four worst in the NFL.

Steelers should win by at least two touchdowns, even if they are weaker and older.

Even the Manning-less Colts from this past Sunday would've beaten Seattle, they were that sucky for 80% of the game.

[Jungle Rat]

The Stealers D will be fine long term. What you saw in Week 1 was the Lockout Effect. Might even see it next week as well. Then, things will get back to normal.

[Dr. Nostron]

Fuck those urine-stained towel waving mother fuckers.

Lets discuss the Falcons - was this just a shit the bed type day in Chicago or are things really that bleak for this year - they should be a playoff team easy but damn sure didnt look like it.

[THE_WIZARD_]

Doc:

Hi.

[Hizzy III]

The main thing to be concerned about with Atlanta is that in their last two meaningful games (at the end of last season versus the Pack and Sunday against Chicago), their pass defense has been bad. They've allowed roughly 700 yards passing in those two games.

The offense (and the OL in particular) looked to have a bad day. I wouldn't read to much into that so early. And I wouldn't panic about the team overall. They could even lose to Philly in a close one on Sunday and still be okay at season's end. If they get blown out, though, I'd be concerned.

[Hizzy III]

Also, after hearing about Brueschi's "chastising" of Chad and then Rodney Harrison's explanation of why Brueschi's was so bent out of shape, it's clear that those former Patriots take themselves WAAAAY too seriously. They also take this Patriot way shit too far. You ain't won a title in seven years. Stop acting like you and Belichick are Infallible. When Rodney Harrison's monkey ass became too old and useless to cheapshot his way to more success, he tucked his tail and jumped over to NBC.

Appears James Harrison, though an asswipe in his own right, probably isn't too far off in his evaluation of those two clods.

[Ron Mexico]

Indeed, enough with the "Patriot Way" myth. And it's not like either of those clowns was far enough above average as an individual talent to give him the authority to make such a big deal out of some tame tweet by Ochocinco anyway, even if Belichick and Brady actually are lording over some sort of modern day Valhalla in Foxboro, Mass.

[aTm]

I am absolutely loving this "Texas to the ACC" speculation. Possibly a perfect storm for A&M football.

[AlabamAlum]

That would be funny.

[eCat]

geographically, at least you can see a Texas school belonging to the SEC

[sardis]

Also, after hearing about Brueschi's "chastising" of Chad and then Rodney Harrison's explanation of why Brueschi's was so bent out of shape, it's clear that those former Patriots take themselves WAAAAY too seriously. They also take this Patriot way shit too far. You ain't won a title in seven years. Stop acting like you and Belichick are Infallible. When Rodney Harrison's monkey ass became too old and useless to cheapshot his way to more success, he tucked his tail and jumped over to NBC.

Appears James Harrison, though an asswipe in his own right, probably isn't too far off in his evaluation of those two clods.

I couldn't agree more. Rodney Harrison, Brueschi, and even Belichick can get down on their knees and thank the good lord that Tom Brady was their quarterback. They all are nothing without him. If the "Patriot Way" is so good, how come none of the ex-assistants are successful when they implement this "way" to other teams? The "way" is Brady, when he goes it goes. If I'm Belichick, I'm retiring when Brady retires as to not tinge my legendary mystique so hyped up by those lads in Bristol...

[Hizzy III]

Week 3, bitcherinos!

LSU at Mississippi State, Thursday, October 15, 8:00PM

What we learned from last week: fuck Dan Mullen. Don't get us wrong, we give praise to him for assisting Coach Meyer in leading the Gators to natty championships and all but come on, dude. Don't run the ball with only ten seconds remaining, no time outs left in your hip pocket and you're down by seven. DON'T DO IT!!! Is this really difficult? I mean, seriously? That made the Dolphins' goal line playcalling the other night downright Walshian by comparison. Christ! And here's another thing: wha' happen to MSU's defense? I tell you wha' happen, Lucy: su nombre es Manny Diaz, who so happens to now be Texas' defensive coordinator. The good news is that MSU did score 34 points on the road against an SEC team. The bad news is that a team named Utah State scored 38 the week before. Acadiana 27, Senorita Estada 17

Auburn at Clemson, Saturday, September 17, 12:00 PM

Speaking of the team that everyone seems to love to score against in 2012, the Pecan Pussies take on the Palmetto Pussies and so you can expect a lot of pussy farts sounding off some time around noon. Eww. Perhaps a bit too much in the imagery department. Anyway, Clemson, those classic underachievers, haven't looked all that imposing thus far, what with their lackluster starts against both Troy and Wofford. We could try to excuse this by saying the boys were simply looking ahead to playing the defending national champs this weekend. Or we could remind everyone of who their coach is: a man named Dabo, a name that we, as you might recall, likened more to a circus elephant. Certainly not a football coach. But that's just how it goes. Mr. Sweeney had no say in the matter. He does, however, have a say in who's on the field on Saturdays and what plays are run. So far, so not good. Pecan Pussies 35, Palmetto Pussies 27

West Virginia at Maryland, Saturday, September 17, 12:00 PM

WVU's Geno Smith has put up the individual numbers you'd expect from a QB with Dana Holgerson as his OC/HC, and the point totals, on paper, look good, but there's still something off with that WVU offense. They were erratic versus Marshall in their abbreviated 34-13 win and downright putrid for two quarters in their who-gives-a-damn blowout win over Norfolk State. Maryland, meanwhile, is battle-tested as well as fully-rested, as they enjoyed a weekend off after outlasting Miami on Labor Day evening. Still, the Terps may have some issues left to work through in the secondary that could play in the Mounties' favor. The visitors can't afford to look past Maryland and towards their biggie at home versus LSU and I don't think they will. I just don't have a lot of trust in them on the road. Maybe things work out differently with new HC Holgersen but, first, prove it to me. Gettin' Goodies From the Nut Without Breakin' The Shell 28, 'Coonskin Hat Wearers 24

Pittsburgh at Iowa, Saturday, September 17, 12:00 PM

It takes a while to live down a loss to Iowa State (just ask Mack Brown, who's still being called unflattering names after last year's embarrassment), but it can also make for great motivation. Plus, it ain't like they're about to take on a juggernaut or anything. The Panthers have looked extremely mundane and downright comical at times in their two wins over Buffalo (Oh, please, Turner, please come back!) and Maine (you know, because New Hampshire and Vermont were too busy to travel). Hardly a marquee matchup but a fairly interesting interconference BCS contest. The winner still won't be ranked next week. America Needs Farmers 24, Yinzers 17

Washington at Nebraska, Saturday, September 17, 3:30 PM Washington appears to have its offense together so far in 2011--and curses to those who thought losing Locker would be some big catastrophe; by year's end in 2010, the Huskies were going out of their way to KEEP him from having to throw the ball, so there! On the other hand, those same old uncertainties about the defense are back. Now, sure, Hawaii appears to be a scrappy bunch but, damnit, you're Washington. You play at Husky Stadium. Don James used to be your head coach. You used to crank out guys named Emtman and Malloy and Rogers. You don't get cornholed by teams with the word (or the inference of) Rainbow in their name. Meanwhile, how long do you really think Bo Pellini's gonna last in Lincoln? Something tells me he's one mediocre recruiting class away from becoming Frank Solich, except with poorer sportsmanship. Anywho, Washington's just not quite good enough to win this type of game on the road. However, that doesn't mean it won't be close. Cornholio 30, Puppy Power 24

Texas at UCLA, Saturday, September 17, 3:30 PM

God save the union! Garrett Gilbert (poor kid) has finally been sat and now a new two-headed approach is underway. Freshman RB Malcolm Brown looks damn good, by the way. Unfortunately, everything else on offense still looks mediocre. Defensively, things look good (as they should) and no one in their right mind (except, maybe Houston's defense) is even remotely intimidated by UCLA's offense. UT owes the Westwood Wonderboys a few licks from their last three meetings (all embarrassing UT losses), and they'll probably at least get the road win, but for whatever reason, no matter how good or bad one team is in comparison to the other, the Bruins tend to overplay and the Longhorns, well, do the opposite. Two Horns Are Better Than One 23, Skipped Over (Again) 20

Tennessee at Florida, Saturday, September 17, 3:30 PM

We're really looking forward to this one, as the boys from KnoxVega$ actually looked a bit like their former selves in their 45-23 win over Cincinnati. Florida has allowed just three points in two games but has yet to play anyone with a pulse. Still, the offense certainly looks more competent and when you have a head coach who looks like he's about to take a giant dump on one of his player's head because he's so annoyed--even with a 30-point lead--it kind of makes you smile if you're a Gator fan. Anyway, even with both teams showing improvement from last year, the Vols have not faired particularly well in Gainesville over the past 20 years (just two wins during that stretch) and we don't see it changing on Saturday. Swamp Thing 24, Where The Lillies Ain't Bloomin' 20

[AlabamAlum]

Pecan Pussies? I don't get it. The long leaf pine is the state tree here.

[Dr. Nostron]

No FSU/Sooners??

Thats some shameful shit right there.

[Hizzy III]

Continued...

Michigan State at Notre Dame, Saturday, September 17, 3:30 PM

Brian Kelly is either going to die from a coronary or get arrested on battery charges. It's inevitable. Of course, there's Option 3: one of his players will pound him with their helmet until he starts to squeal and flap around on the South Bend soil like a beached baby seal. I'm not sure if that would be funny, sad, creepy or all three. There's only so much losing the Irish can do before someone finally admits that, yes, this is merely who they are nowadays. Remember: Army also used to be major asskickers in football... that is, prior to the Korean War. All good things, man... All good things... Greeks 28, Boyos 25

Arizona State at Illinois, Saturday, September 17, 7:00 PM

The Sun Devil D disappointed us last week--that or Mizzou's O figured out its issues in record time. In any case, a win's a win for ASU, even if much of it was due to the football (sun) gods as it was the Sun Devils. Meanwhile, Illinois has flown under the radar, and for good reason, as they've not played anyone worth mentioning. Being battled tested certainly has its advantages as you come up on the end of the (that's right) first quarter of the 2011 regular season. Admittedly, Illini QB Nathan Scheelhasse has looked a lot more comfortable throwing and running with the football, and the Illini defense is certainly off to a good start. But then again... they've played nada. Still, it's difficult to win that first one on the road, particulary in a non-conference tilt versus a fairly decent BCS school, and given the energy and emotion spent last week, no one should be surprised if ASU is a bit flat in Champaign. Zook Happens! 26, Sun Baked 17

Ohio State at Miami, Saturday, September 17, 8:00 PM

We know Columbus can be a bit rowdy on a Saturday night along the Olentangy and Scioto Rivers but even so we'd like to caution all those gungho Bucknuts travelling into Miami Gardens, Florida this weekend. Watch yo' ass and yo' wallet--in that order. Don't be afraid to act like those scared old Asian women walking down the sidewalks of any major city and then coming across some dark fella with a commodious gait and unflinching ebony eyes. That's right, pretend to forget something, let the threatening dark figure pass and then go 'bout yo' bidness. That advice might also work for the Buckeye players, too. UM isn't the UM of even five years ago much less their glory days, but this is that classic snakepit game, and Al Golden's a pretty good HC, in spite of what some spoiled UM fans might say on the talk radio airwaves. The key is whether Jacory Harris or Stephen Morris can avoid the interception bug that's plagued the UM offense over the last few seasons. A sound running game would be nice, too. In any case, we can sense a small upset here among two teams with all kinds of ethics and probationary issues. Lot-O-Wind 23, Legumes 21

Oklahoma at Florida State, Saturday, September 17, 8:00 PM

The big'un of the day showcases the grand potentates of backasswardness, tooth decay, cousin-'lovin' and all other forms of knee-slappin', jug-blowin' sophistimication versus that school where no good grade is earned without at least a small, harmless peek over your neighbor's shoulder at their term paper while the good professor pretends to be distracted by the 'squito that slipped in through the AC vent. Ho hum. All jokes (seriousness) aside, a win for one of these teams gives them a major inside track to the BCS title game in NOLA. FSU may be in the best position with a win, because after this one, their toughest game remaining on their regular season schedule is probably the tilt at Florida. As for OU, Boomer Sooner has a pair of stimulating home games verus Okie aggy and Texas aggy, and neutral site rivalry games (such as against Texas) can always be tricky, but a win in T-Allah on Saturday night will probably provide more gusto than any toothless inbred should ever enjoy. But there it is. Red Inbred 27, Village People 23

[Hizzy III]

Pecan Pussies? I don't get it. The long leaf pine is the state tree here.

It refers to the nickname--Pecan Plains-- that some of the locals in SE Alabama and SW Georgia call that area due to the large number of pecan trees. I admit that it's rather obscure but it's also alliterative.

[billy bob bocephus]

Red Inbred 27, Village People 23

Thats some shameful shit right there