The Goat Pen

That's what he gets for giving the dogs the upstairs bathroom

Should be called Amateur Life

Who the fuck leaves a candle burning unattended in a bathroom at a party?

Saint wrote:Who the fuck leaves a candle burning unattended in a bathroom at a party?

Someone who invited Hedge and knows full well that he'll be shitting or puking (or both) in his bathroom. It's not much of a defense against the smell but it's something.

They make little plug-in air fresheners that are sold at every grocery/drug/convenience store. I think he should have taken a huge dump to cover the smell of the sweater burning.

so going out side and puking in the bushes wasn't an option?

I think it was real cold outside. I can't remember...

I sent the guy a check to replace his toilet seat but he never cashed it...

well that was a nice thing to do

unless it was like $7

He never told him it was gonna bounce anyway

Nah, I sent him a check for $100 to cover the toilet seat plus pain and suffering. Come to think of it, he was pretty cool about the whole thing, considering. I really didn't know the guy very well, he could've reacted very differently but he knew I wasn't drunk, I was very apologetic and he obviously knew I was embarrassed. I'm sure he saw the humor in it, even though it was his house and his bathroom. He definitely took the high road...

When I was in high school, the kids would start service by lighting candles for whatever reason - its was a very formal process. They had a bulletin printed out each Sunday noting how the service would be and in what order all the happenings would occur.

So our preacher at the time was a very dynamic guy and at some point in the service he's doing the fire and brimstone routine (btw, wtf is brimstone?) and he has his bulletin rolled up in his hand shaking it at all the sinners who are destined for damnation. But he doesn't pay attention to what he's doing and doesn't realize he's holding his bulletin over a candle.

So in a moment you hear the poof of this thing go up in flames, and him in his full on gospel preacher mode "and uh...Isaiah..uh..said...uh...unto him...uh...YAWWWWWWWW!" and he commences to throw this flaming bulletin down onto the carpeted pulpit while at the same time jumping away from the candle, knocking over a fern on a pedestal , then he runs over there and starts stomping out the bulletin like a bag of flaming poop. After that he says something like "well that was unexpected" and then doesn't miss a beat "come...uh...into the...uh ...temple...to-ah....receive ...uh...yore....sacrement...uh". He might have been scared he was going to run late which didn't sit well with the Methodists during NFL season in the central time zone.

That was about the most entertainment I can remember from my church days and my only candle burning story I have

hedge wrote:Nah, I sent him a check for $100 to cover the toilet seat plus pain and suffering. Come to think of it, he was pretty cool about the whole thing, considering. I really didn't know the guy very well, he could've reacted very differently but he knew I wasn't drunk, I was very apologetic and he obviously knew I was embarrassed. I'm sure he saw the humor in it, even though it was his house and his bathroom. He definitely took the high road...

that's the roll of the dice of having a party with strangers

you have to expect something like that to happen at some point.

"(btw, wtf is brimstone?)"

"He was the first to the rim of the cone for all the size of him and he stood gazin about like he'd come for the view. Then he set down and he begun to scale at the rock with his knife. One by one we straggled up and he set with his back to that gapin hole and he was chippin away and he called upon us to do the same. It was brimstone. A weal of brimstone all about the rim of the caldron, bright yellow and shining here and there with the little flakes of silica but most pure flowers of sulphur. We chipped it loose and chopped it fine with our knives till we had about two pounds of it and then the judge took the wallets and went to a cupped place in the rock and dumped out the charcoal and the nitre and stirred them about with his hand and poured the sulphur in."

I liked the detail of the preacher knocking the fern off the pedestal...

You went to a Methodist church that had fire-and-brimstone preaching? The Methodist church I went to was pretty sedate, as I figured most Methodists are, by their very name. It's all 19th century England in there. I went to a Baptist church with my girlfriend in 8th grade once. It was an evening service and everyone was dressed up just like morning church. Within 10 minutes half the congregation was crying and waving their arms. I left as soon as it was over, slinking away like Carl Spagler on the 18th green after lightning struck the bishop. Fuck that shit.

yea, its pretty laid back. Methodist are just less committed Baptists and can't afford to be Episcopalians . They don't get worked up about much. But I did mimic his speech patterns

There was often a "fzzzzzz" sound followed by a horrible smell when Stu was in church, but it wasn't burnt hair...