The Goat Pen

No. Not interested in kiddie porn.

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7PM Thursday night

Mike slept all day and well into the early afternoon. He has the packing ritual for cruising down cold, particularly when he is going away for 16 days

3 three-piece-suits, tailored fit (black, blue, grey)
8 Polo Shirts
6 button down dress shirts
4 ties
1 bow tie
2 bathing suits
5 t-shirts
3 pairs of workout shorts
3 pairs of cargo shorts (lots of pockets)
2 pairs of nice slacks (one brown, one tan, the other 3 colors that matter are already covered with the suits)
4 pairs white socks
6 pairs dress socks
1 pair of black shoes
1 pair of brown shoes
1 pair of sneakers (he will not call them workout shoes)
2 pairs of flip-flops
no underwear
no coat
2 sticks of deodorant
2 small bottles of cologne
3 Tide washing machine tablets
4 disposable razors
1 can of shaving cream (unscented)
$500 cash (more than he will need)
1 Visa card with a $600 limit (just for gas and 3 nights in a motel)
1 US passport
2 tubes of scented massage lotion (not for him)
20 pack of condoms
10 Viagra
6 tubes of K-Y Jelly
3 cruising ticket bar codes/boarding passes and confirmation email printed
1 very large plastic cup narrow enough at the bottom to sit in a car cup holder

Checklist complete. Good to go. He has done this a few times before, consistency is what saves time. He showers, puts on a pair of sweatpants, his Tom Brady signed Patriots cap, a t-shirt, and one of the pairs of flip-flops. In just 10 minutes, he is able to pack everything into one garment back, 1 large suitcase, and 1 carry on suitcase. He grabs a small cooler, puts 4 freeze packs in it, and loads everything in his car. He stops by the Stop-n-Shop. He heads straight for the butcher, gets 2 pounds of roast beef shaved thin. He grabs two heads of iceberg lettuce (to wrap the roast beef.) He grabs 2 two-liter bottle of heavily caffeinated diet cola and one small bag of ice. The ice he places in the cooler with the roast beef and lettuce, but not before filling up his 44 ounce travel cup with ice and cola. Last stop before the I-95, gas up the car. Gone.

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3AM Friday morning, somewhere in Virginia

Traveling on the East Coast at night makes the most sense. You cut out all the rush hour traffic and you are able to make excellent time since all the state troopers that are working the 3AM interstate beat, well they are sleeping. Mike has found that with enough caffeine and adrenaline, he can almost make it to Florida before he needs to stop for the night to sleep. The anticipation of satisfying his libido with women he has yet to meet, his dick is rock hard. Conquest!

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4PM Friday afternoon, somewhere in Georgia

Mike pulls into a Motel-6 right off the I-95. He's done. He can't go any further. He needs some sleep. He needs a shave and shower. He needs to take a huge roast beef dump. Motel-6 will do. $49 for the evening. Call your mom.

"Where are you Mike?"

I don't know? "Georgia ma, Georgia."

"Alright, look. Have a good time. Be safe. Come back to us in one piece."

"Absolutely ma, absolutely."

Hangs up. Call Ted.

Ted is Mike's best friend from high school, Mike's only real friend. Ted actually takes perverse pleasure in hearing about Mike's success with the women. And Ted is the only one who gets all the gory details. Ted at least, understands.

"You think you can keep them under 250 pounds this time?"

"Ted, that defeats the whole purpose. Maybe they will be under and maybe they wont. But I am not going to weigh them ahead of time."

"You know Mike..." long pause. "At some point, someone is going to learn your scheme and when that happens, you wont be able to do this shit anymore."

"Are you going to tell anyone?"

"Of course not Mike, I would never betray that trust." Another long pause. "But eventually, the world is going to figure out. And when that happens, you are not going to be able to do this anymore. They will be wise."

"Well, I don't think the world is going to find out. I'm not telling anyone."

"You going to develop all those pictures again?"

"Of course! Someday I'll be old and I want to be able to look through a photo album and reminisce about what I could do when I was young. Its the pictures that will help me remember."

"Well if you can Mike, give me a call when you get to the Bahamas. Just don't call between 10AM and 10:15, that is our stand-up meeting. Any other time."

"Roger that."

Cargo shorts?

Its like if Howard Stern and Dave Ramsey were merged and started writing.

aTm wrote: ↑Mon Oct 25, 2021 10:19 am Its like if Howard Stern and Dave Ramsey were merged and started writing.

That's one hell of a description....

What is the scheme?

Gotta agree on the cargo shorts...I was hoping for a Patrick Bateman twist on the story, but cargo shorts pretty much rule that out...

Dave23 wrote: ↑Mon Oct 25, 2021 2:56 pm Gotta agree on the cargo shorts...I was hoping for a Patrick Bateman twist on the story, but cargo shorts pretty much rule that out...

Pocket for passport
Pocket for water bottle
Pocket for wallet
Pocket cellphone
Pocket for covid-mask
etc
Plus, they look just barely nice enough to wear into the dining room. But our protagonist will never do that. Dress slacks only (and it will all make sense soon enough)

Anyway I'll stop breaking the 4th wall here. You guys are free to comment. I just post chapters

innocentbystander wrote: ↑Mon Oct 25, 2021 3:21 pm Plus, they look just barely nice enough to wear into the dining room.

As if we needed further proof that you are an incel....

Dave23 wrote: ↑Mon Oct 25, 2021 2:56 pm Gotta agree on the cargo shorts...I was hoping for a Patrick Bateman twist on the story, but cargo shorts pretty much rule that out...

This guy is the Patrick Bateman of cruise ship fan fiction...

Bateman's final monologue here is worthy of Dostoevsky (starting at the 1:42 mark). Somehow I'm not expecting anything like this from IB, but I like surprises...

Why are you guys doing this to him? It's great but painful.

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Saturday 5:22 PM, Miami

Mike sat down for his last meal on dry land. A salad, oil and vinegar, a glass of iced water, and six-ounce filet done rare with a side of carrots. He actually enjoys the flavor of steak and refuses to char-broil it well done into a McDonalds hamburger. Earlier in the day he checked into a creepy little motel on the edge of town (pay the minimum price for a room.) There are whores on every corner but that doesn't interest Mike. Sex for money? Defeats the whole purpose of this trip. Besides, he brought almost no money. Sorry whores. He will check out of the room tomorrow night and your John's will be free to rent by the hour, "Siesta-style", tomorrow.

His car is safely snuck away in a secure parking lot at the ripe old price of $5 a day. Mike had done business with the lot owner before so he is quite confident things will work out just fine. He's just a short Uber ride from the terminal. And he'll be the first one on the ship (if not, one of the first that is for certain.)

He spoke to both his mother and father one last time before boarding the ship, The Grand Illusion. Fitting to name a ship after the best album ever recorded by the best band to ever be formed in the City of the Big Shoulders. But he has sailed "GI" before, and hopefully, the entire staff will remember him, remember his "routine." It makes it easier to explain when boarding the ship.

Although he is still very young, very-very young, the older he gets, the easier it gets to spot the 35 year old woman. And that IS the target market, 35. A magical number. If there is a God then He designed women to be perfectly responsive towards the scheme at that pristine age. Mathematically, it has always been thus.

35.

Mike isn't sure if he'll still be doing thing until he himself is also 35 (or maybe even 45) but his quite certain that the jig will be up long before then. Everything has a lifespan, including the scheme. Its just a matter of how long it lives before it will no longer function.

Its like all those older books you pick up at the used book store on strategies at winning poker. Those do not work anymore because everyone who plays poker has already mastered them. Thus, any advantage you could gain over your opponent not knowing what to do and what to look for, that is nullified by the fact that now everyone is good. You need to come up with a new strategy, a new way of looking at the game that will give you an edge. And you can't let anyone else know about it.

35.

Charm doesn't work anymore. This is not 1962, and he is not Sean Connery. Charm doesn't really work for anyone, at least not in this modern age of information, education, income, and hypergamy. Try and use confidence and charm, they will see right through it. You'll be labeled a creep, a loser, you'll get no play. No stick with what works, stick with what no one has yet to maximize.

35.

"I don't even remember which are the ports on the first cruise..." Mike mumbled to himself.

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Sunday 10:44 AM Miami cruise terminal

"As you know Mr Jones, we do not officially open the ship up for boarding until noontime."

"Yes I am aware."

"But because you are a return guest and you are not all that interested in getting in your cabin that might not yet be cleaned from the last cruise..." she motions toward the gangway. "Just very quietly, casually, you can make your way onto the ship."

"They have the sun-and-sail away card scanner setup at the entrance?"

"Yes. They set that up around 9:30. There will be someone at the scanner to take the card for the embarkation. You might even luck into a glass of champagne. There is no one there yet to take your picture on the gangway but I don't think you care about that."

"You figured right. Is Ramone still working the dinning room for table assignments."

"Good question." type-type-type-type "Looks like it yes. He's definitely working this cruise. As to whether or not he is matre-de, I can't tell yet."

"I'll find out, thanks."

Mike waves goodbye, and brings all his luggage himself right onto the ship. First stop, his dirty cabin to deposit his bags. Second stop, the "GI" grand dinning room.

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11:13 AM

"Ramone!"

"A Mr Jones, I saw your name on the manifest. Welcome back Mr Jones."

Mike slips Ramone a $20 bill.

"You know what I need."

Smiling, almost in a cunning matter. "Yes sir, yes sir I do. Same table as last time?"

"Yes. You can build it for me? Are there many?"

"Oh we'll have lots of them on this cruise. Yes I'm quite sure the ones who just got divorced and are sailing with the girlfriends will be plentiful. You want the men who are Friend's of Dorothy at the table as well?"

"Yes, that usually makes it even easier. How often do you find men in my situation."

"You are the only one sir, the only one. The unmarried men who sail, they are all recently widowers and very old or Friend's of Dorothy. You are one of a kind sir, of that I can assure you."

tap-tap-tap-tap-type-type

"Alright, table 12. It seats 12. I'll put as many of them there as I can. Sometimes they ask for their own private table, but rarely."

"Thank you Ramone."

Ramone needs to be getting more than 20 bucks for this...

Whats the male version of a Mary Sue?

I think the main character needs a name change, maybe like “Christian”

I'm still trying to figure out "the scheme". Surely it has to be more than a 20-something guy going on cruises and picking up 35-ish year old divorcees...

I thought for a minute the ship would be named “Sports”…

McDonald's doesn't charbroil their burgers.

Dave23 wrote: ↑Tue Oct 26, 2021 8:30 am I thought for a minute the ship would be named “Sports”…

UP UP UP UP UP!!!!!