The Goat Pen

Went in for a drug test today for a new job I'm starting, and of course after pissing I have an urgent need to take a shit. One of those ones where out of nowhere you have about 10 secs to find somewhere to blow it out or there's going to be a problem. The nurses were trying to send me on my way but of course I quietly turned around and headed back into the toilet. Their evaluation station was about 2 feet from the door and so without a doubt they were treated to about 7-8 minutes of me taking care of business in loud, wet, and chunky fashion. I was a little hesitant at first but once I got inside I realized I was mostly past the point of caring.

Hardees drug tests?

I have seen where this claim has been shown to be false, but I like it better than any other explanation...

I have no idea why Vince McMahon is trending on twitter but I saw this and it cracked me up

A funeral home worker responsible for transporting dead bodies in a Nebraska county is suspected of having an intimate encounter with a life-sized sex doll he found in the apartment of a deceased person, according to court records.

Investigators say Ryan Smith, 41, and a colleague were dispatched last week to a home at the Rock Creek Apartments in Omaha to collect the body of an individual who died there.

"Near the body on the bed was a very real life size" sex doll, an investigator reported.

Police allege that Smith subsequently called the property manager and claimed that the local sheriff had asked him to remove the sex doll "to collect swabs for biopsy."

Smith’s "strange request" was denied by the manager, who later returned to the apartment to discover that Smith was inside the unit (which had been locked with a deadbolt and chain).

After Smith exited the home with his shirt untucked and his pants in "disarray," the property manager called cops, who later busted Smith on a felony burglary charge. A post-arrest examination revealed the sex doll to be "sticky" and it appeared that "something had rubbed her inner thighs," police noted.




Pictured above, Smith was fired from his job with Mid America First Call, which, according to its website, specializes in “removals, transportation, embalming, cremations, and ship-outs.”

A deputy collected the sex doll "so that I could have her processed for DNA."

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Next weeks story...........


Deputy collecting DNA arrested for having intercourse with sex doll involved in funeral home break in

Well I have to say, that story ended up being less disturbing than the direction I thought it was heading in after reading the first half of the first sentence...

That guy looks like he could be the son of the "It's still real to me, damn it!!" wrestling fan...

A friend of mine owns a funeral home. His family has owned it for three generations and he grew up working there. If we've been drinking and there's a crowd around, I'll ask him if he fingered a good looking corpse when he was younger. Invariably his face turns red, he starts laughing and his drunken stutter hits.

I asked the first time because I thought it was funny. Now I ask because I think it's funny and likely true.

hedge wrote: ↑Tue Oct 17, 2023 9:13 am Well I have to say, that story ended up being less disturbing than the direction I thought it was heading in after reading the first half of the first sentence...

yea I posted it on another board with the title - doesn't end up where you think it will

DooKSucks wrote: ↑Tue Oct 17, 2023 10:21 am A friend of mine owns a funeral home. His family has owned it for three generations and he grew up working there. If we've been drinking and there's a crowd around, I'll ask him if he fingered a good looking corpse when he was younger. Invariably his face turns red, he starts laughing and his drunken stutter hits.

I asked the first time because I thought it was funny. Now I ask because I think it's funny and likely true.

I'd rather hang out with a guy that fucked a doll, if I had to choose one

My best friend lived in & worked at his families funeral home. He picked up all the dead bodies. I do wonder sometimes.

A good friend of mine was a mortician. He died in his 50's (while having sex with his wife)

I would have never considered that about him.

You don't know my friend.

There was a really creepy movie about all this shit. It was called Kissed. It starred Molly Parker as the mortician who made love to all the dead bodies. She was so alluring, that a young man wanted to make love to her in death. So he committed suicide just to get her to have sex with him. She did.

That sounds like your only hope as well...

eCat wrote: ↑Tue Oct 17, 2023 7:46 pm

In 1890, 1 farmer's work produced enough food for 22 people. Thus, food was far too expensive to live a life of gluttony. Men were lean. Women were tiny with a tiny waist. Two eggs over easy, two strips of bacon, two slices of toast, a cup of coffee, and maybe a hamburger in the evening was all you needed to eat for the day to feel full.

In 2023, 1 farmer's work produces enough food for 244 people. Or thereabouts. Thus, food is cheap. Thus, rampant gluttony and obesity.

The metric they used to determine the poverty rate, the actual "algebra" used to determine if a person lived a life of poverty, was heavily determined by the cost of food. That was all that they had back in the 1930s. Food scarcity was everything. Clothing was also expensive back in the day, no sweatshops in China (yet) in the 1930s. Nowadays, our unemployed homeless are morbidly obese. The NEW metrics to determine poverty rate, that equation needs to be dramatically altered where the amount of money you need to spend to own/rent a place to live (mortgage or lease, utilities, taxes, etc), is the majority of your expenses, not food, heat, and clothing.