The Goat Pen

Cletus wrote:I once shit my pants in front of the pope. Good Friday 1990 at St. Peters. We were about 50 feet from the pope and were there a very long time. there is no easy to access bathroom when this service is happening and 50,000 people are there. The rest is history.

HOLY SHIT!

I thought shitting my pants at the office when I had a bad fart was tough...

Tiger Woods open up a golf course for children - for whatever reason

but the inaugural shot is a hole in one...pretty cool

[youtube]NxAoz2eE_ZM[/youtube]

That is a great idea for kids and that was awesome.

wow good stuff

tiger still looks gimpy to me

going to this tonight turned out to be a horrible, horrible mistake

lol...tell me everything about it.

I can't now but I will tomorrow. I can't do it justice in the time I have

Midget Wrasselin!

If I had to summarize this, its the human equivalent of cockfighting.

First off all, I'm done with Bogarts - I've been there 3 times now in the last 18 years and every time I've gone its sucked.

On their website they say to arrive early for the line - so OK cool the wrestling starts at 7:00pm so we get there around 6:30 and there is a line all the way to the end of vine street. Its below 40 degrees out and the line doesn't start moving until 7:10. In the meantime I'm surrounded by maybe 8 or so 27 year old power drinkers, all of them on their way to blacking out before 9pm. One guy in particular can't say two words without screaming fuck and rating every woman that walks by on a scale of whether he'd lick her pussy or not - and I can't imagine how none of them didn't hear it. The wait in line was so long these guys ordered pizza, got it, and finished it before we got in. While in line his friend asked me if I had tickets already to which I replied yes which infuriated drunk guy and he demanded his friend go up to the front of the line and get tickets, then with the same speed of his infuriation with me, he switched over and said he "liked my status and we were cool". I didn't even try to figure out what he meant as long as he didn't talk to me anymore and went back to his rating scale of women walking by.

so we finally get in to the place and from the picture I posted you can see that the ring is like 1/4 size , its 2 feet off the ground and this venue is standing room only. No bleachers, no elevated seating. At first we didn't realize the issue because the ring was just empty as they waited for people to mill in.

For the next hour and a half - while standing in a 9 person deep group around this 1/4 size ring, a single midget warms up the crowd - and his idea of warming up the crowd consisted of 4 things
1. screaming every 5 minutes into a microphone "ARE YOU READY FOR SOME MIDGET VIOLENCE?!?!?!"
2. asking where the single ladies are and if they like fucking midgets
3. yelling out every curse word to rap music the D.J. was playing - and this guy knew every lyric to every song - not rapping the song mind you - just screaming the curse words of the song into the microphone like he was some kinda tourettes midget M.C.
4. begging someone....anyone from the audience to go to the bar and buy him Coors beer - to which the 22 year old 3 people deep in front of me took offense to because he was a Miller Lite guy and started flipping the midget M.C. off.

He also attempted to get this redneck drunk crowd to do the wave around the room which results in a chorus of fuck yous and flipping him off (but they were in sync so it was kinda cool)

After about 40 minutes into standing on my feet smelling body odor of people cramped in around me watching an empty ring and a midget beg for pussy and beer, I, along with the rest of the crowd were getting restless. To make matters worse, the lighting guy would turn off the lights making everyone think it was about to start and then he'd turn the lights back on. Then at one point, he abruptly stopped mid shit fuck ass rap song and switched over to Eye of the Tiger ,which also led the crowd to believe that we were finally going to see the midget wrestling we came for.

But no, this went on for another 40 minutes.

Finally the midget M.C. stripped down to his shorts while the crowd screamed for people to pinch his nipples and he went up behind the stage to change into his wrestling outfit which was a white t-shirt

So the D.J. does the usual, are you ready to Ruuuumble? which I'm certain is a trademarked slogan and then does the are you ready to see some midget wrestling, I can't hear you horseshit and finally he announces its time to bring out the midgets.

They start with the referee because of course you have to have a midget referee right to keep it fair, and then they introduce each of the midgets (although one was like a foot taller than the rest which didn't really seem fair - I couldn't help but wonder if he threw that in their face all the time about how he was taller than the rest of them). Standard fare - they all had wrestling personas - King Midget, the Viking, I can't remember the rest.

At this point all the midgets are in the ring and instead of hyping up the crowd, they announce that this is the last night of their tour and this was going to be especially tough for them because Wednesday night one of their wrestlers died and they were all struggling with how to go do the show without him. So they asked for a moment of silence while all the wrestlers - dressed like vikings, bruce lee, one in overalls, mr. white shirt beg for pussy, etc all stood solemn in this 1/4 size toy ring. Now remember - this as after the "Are you ready to rumble , are you ready for some midge violence, I can't hear you crowd pump up.

And with the crowd I described you can imagine how that went. About 2 seconds into the moment of silence, someone yells out "I paid to see midgets wrassle!!!!" and others join in, which now pisses off the midget referee and the guy warming up the crowd and they shoot midget stares of death to the audience. They were putting alot of faith into the paid by the hour security staff of Bogarts - misplaced faith I can assure you.

So at this point, someone else yells out "BE QUIET YOU DISRESPECTFUL ASSHOLES!". Remember my 27 year old pussy licking power drinker? He took exception to that and started working his way up to the guy to have what I'm sure was a meaningful and introspective conversation which resulted in a shoving match and the crowd - at this point, desperate for any type of wrestling type confrontation turned their attention to that. So the midgets all leave the ring and stand up at the top of the stage where this fucking D.J. then asks for yet another moment of silence so they could have a 10 bell salute - yes, you read that right - a 10 bell salute for their fallen comrade.

The fucking moment of silence was a disaster and now we have to have some funeral march subjected to this crowd? That went about as well as you can imagine except the bell ringing drowned out the "when the fuck are we going to see midgets wrestle" shouts.

After the 10 bell salute - I mean immediately after it, the viking midget takes the microphone and starts working the crowd up again - talk about switching gears.

Lets have a moment to show our respect for Big Jim the Alabama Slamma Jones, now ARE YOU READY TO SEE SOME MIDGET ON MIDGET VIOLENCE?

So they introduce the first midgets to fight and the failure of the logistics of this event come into full view. It you aren't in the first 3 rows (rows being a loose term) of people packed 9 or more deep, you can't see shit. All you see is the back of the person in front of you. So while I was maybe 4 deep I managed to get my wife in front of me (yes my wife was there because I'm all about us sharing culture together) so she could mostly see what was going on. But my whole night consisted of people behind me yelling they can't see, how they wasted their money and them pushing in on us in an attempt to work their way to the front. I shifted my elbow and knocked the beer in the cup the woman behind me was holding all over her chest which she was very pleased with me for doing. At one point she just shoved the 2 guys and a girl to my right out of the way and worked her way up to the barrier because she paid her $16 like everyone else. Also there were kids- like maybe 20 kids- there of various ages which was a disturbing comment on parenting to me.

Anyways, the midgets are doing their thing and its straight up WWE, except its all midgetized. For example, they didn't bring out the folding metal chair to hit a guy with - because they were midgets, they used a cookie sheet - yea I said that - a cookie sheet. So this little midget is running across this 1/4 size ring and wallops the other guy in the head with a cookie sheet. I hate to see perfectly good bakeware ruined like that and I voiced my displeasure about it to the people surrounding me to which 2 women took me seriously. Then a woman next to me said she wanted to take a midget home with her and I told her it would be like getting a puppy at Xmas.

This cookie sheet ass whupping continues for about 20 minutes with all the standard wrestling moves, like leg on the rope tap outs and off the top rope body slams - all the while the referee expressing great concern for the well being of the wrestlers. Finally the pre-assigned bad guy had enough of the referee and you guessed it - cookie sheet upside the head. I now wished I had a picture of the cookie sheet attack, but at this point the crowd around me was getting into frenzy - not over the wrestling but because the wrestlers had moved out of the ring and onto the floor making viewing impossible for anyone not up against the crowd barrier.

The fight ended with the bad guy midget tossing the good guy midget out of the ring, then stripping the referee shirt off the ref and proclaiming him the ref for the rest of the night, then kicking the referee out of the ring and threatening him with a cookie sheet if he didn't run up the ramp and back stage. The ref did a half hearted fall down giving the bad midget a chance to inflict one last cookie sheet attack but by then bad guy midget was up on the ropes yelling at the Milller lite guy flipping him off for what I can only guess is his general poor sportsmanship , so the ref got up and walked back stage.

At this point we had at least 5 more 20 minute matches ahead of us and we had already been standing in body odor funk for 2 hours so my wife asked if I had seen enough, which I told her - yes,. at least I can say I've seen midget wrestling in person, so I announced to the crowd that I couldn't stand for all this cheating, I came to see real wrasslin and I'm leaving -to which I was jeered and people expressed shock at my ignorance of not knowing wrasslin wasn't real.

On the way out the door, there is this huge commotion going on outside and guess who it was - Mr Pussy Licker had been kicked out along with his crew and he was fighting with 2 security guards with a Cincinnati policeman stepping in to break it up, yelling about how his night was ruined and they were going to a real bar to get fucked up. I should have known that the moment I met him, my night was going to be connected to him until we went home.

That was the capper to night I won't forget anytime soon.

That said, you guys really need to get out and experience life more often

Literally laughing out loud.


Well done.

I can't believe I didn't get the cookie sheet

here is the moment of silence - look at that big dude on the right - that's not really fair

Surprised you were surprised

And the story doesn't end. The midget m.c. is on my flight to dallas that is leaving in 10 minutes. Please let him sit next to me

Hilarious. And Dallas? Not a Dallas fan. It's a dusty Atlanta with bad barbecue. Ft. Worth is okay.

" least I can say I've seen midget wrestling in person, so I announced to the crowd that I couldn't stand for all this cheating, I came to see real wrasslin and I'm leaving "


OUTSTANDING!!!

midget stares of death

best story ever

I'm very late to this rodeo, but this was my favorite line in a post full of gems:

"He also attempted to get this redneck drunk crowd to do the wave around the room which results in a chorus of fuck yous and flipping him off (but they were in sync so it was kinda cool)"

eCat = glass half full

yea we cheated - now give us our fucking money

While acknowledging for the first time that votes were bought in past World Cup hosting contests, FIFA is seeking to claim "tens of millions of dollars" in bribe money seized by U.S. federal prosecutors.

FIFA submitted a 22-page claim to the U.S. Attorney's Office in New York on Tuesday that seeks a big share in restitution from more than $190 million already forfeited by soccer and marketing officials who pleaded guilty in the sprawling corruption case.

Tens of millions of dollars more is likely to be collected by U.S. authorities when sentences are handed down, and from dozens of officials currently indicted but who have denied bribery charges or are fighting extradition.

FIFA claims it is the victim of corrupt individuals, despite widespread criticism that bribe-taking was embedded in its culture in the presidencies of Joao Havelange and Sepp Blatter, who was forced from office after 17 years by the current scandal.