Uncle Bud

[eCat]

LOL

she is gonna lose her shit with me when she finds out

[hedge]

"She hasn't put it together yet but we'd normally buy a half gallon of ice cream maybe once every 2 months, and often throw it out."

She'll figure it out when she starts pooping like a frozen yogurt machine...

[Jungle Rat]

BAHAHAHA!!

[innocentbystander]

So my wife gets involved in this new food thing called TooGoodToGo. Basically, you order food at dramatically discounted prices from places that are just going to throw it out if they don't sell it. And you have no idea what you are getting until you get there. My wife tells me that she put an order in for me to pick it up, a dozen donuts for like $5.

Whatever. So I go clear across town to this place to get my donuts that I will not even eat. I get there, and this place is like an abandoned strip mall with no anchor stores open. There are two whores standing outside the donut shop and they ask if I'd like a blow job? I just walk on it to get my donuts. A size 0 spinner-Filipino girl wearing a tube top is behind the counter and she clicks on my app on the phone to clear the order and she gives me a bakers dozen with a smile. And I notice that there is a massage parlor in the back room of this donut shop.

Ahhhh, Phoenix.

[Jungle Rat]

How fast did you run away?

[Tree]

No cream-filled donut joke to the counter girl? Bro, seriously. wtf.

[innocentbystander]

No cream-filled donut joke to the counter girl? Bro, seriously. wtf.

This is the typical shit that happens in Phoenix. We have so many pawn shops, so many massage parlors, so many businesses of ill repute.

[eCat]

she noticed the ice cream

gig is up

[Jungle Rat]

[eCat]

talking about the Wendy's dynamic pricing prompted someone to tell you how McDonalds uses their dynamic menus to push high margin items on you

70% of customers purchase menu items highlighted to them

[hedge]

I don't see anything...

[eCat]

looks like the buy gold moment is kicking in for Rat

[Jungle Rat]

You should check Costco. They still have any left?

[Tree]

You should check your nuts. Anything left in there?

[Jungle Rat]

F

[Tree]

I’ll wait till Hedge or Dave weighs in, thank you.

[Dave23]

You should check your nuts. Anything left in there?

C

And the correct response is “not after your mother was finished with them…”

[eCat]

[hedge]

Read it like Scotty from Star Trek...

Ode Tae A Fart

Writen in the style of Robert Burns:

Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie
Lurks in your belly efter the feastie
Just as ye sit doon among yer kin
There sterts to stir an enormous wind
The neeps and tatties and mushy peas
Stert workin like a gentle breeze
But soon the puddin wi the sauncie face
Will have ye blawin all ower the place

Nae matter whit the hell ye dae
A'body's gonnae hiv tae pay
Even if ye try tae stifle
It's like a bullet oot a rifle
Hawd yer bum tight tae the chair
Tae try and stop the leakin air
Shifty yersel fae cheek tae cheek
Prae tae God it doesnae reek

But aw yer efforts go assunder
Oot it comes like a clap o thunder
Ricochets aroon the room
Michty me a sonic boom
God almighty it fairly reeks
Hope I huvnae shit my breeks
Tae the bog I better scurry
Aw whit the hell it's no ma worry

A'body roon aboot me chokin
Wan or two are nearly bokin
I'll feel better for a while
Cannae help but raise a smile
Wiz him! I shout with accusin glower
Alas too late, he's just keeled ower
Ye dirty bugger they shout and stare
A dinnae feel welcome any mair

Where e'ere ye go let yer wind gan' free
Sounds like just the job fur me
Whit a fuss at rabbie's party
Ower the sake o one wee farty

[eCat]

that was actually pretty easy to read with a Scottish accent