Not That Prediction

[DooKSucks]

A public reading of IB's work:

[Jungle Rat]

It's fucking awful

[Jungle Rat]

Ok. I was bored. I went back and read this monstrosity. The dude reminds me of Booger from Revenge of the nerds. Make it stop please.

[Jungle Rat]

Fixed it.

Riding dirty Chapter One

"Michael, What the fuck?"

"What the fuck what ma?"

"Why? Why the fuck are you going on another god damn cruise out of Miami to the exact same fucking islands? You went on that cruise just months ago. Why are you doing this again you fucking moron"

"Well ma, I'm going to go on three cruises this year. This is just the first one. But I have 2 more of lined up and its going to be sweet."

Michael Cappel is out of work. He is an unemployed, dumb ass 24 year old fitness fanatic with the brains of Gronk. He's lived in the Dorchester area of Boston all his life. He does have income however. Three years ago Michael started driving for Uber as a side job. He started to pick up on patterns of when the air traffic was busiest . In doing so, he realized he could replace his fitness income plus, just with a willingness to drive a car near Logan Airport on 2nd shift, 6 days a week. His business has been so successful that he quickly squirreled away big dollars for Caribbean cruising from Florida. But the cruising isn't the goal. Crusing affords him other opportunities that he will not be sharing with his mom.

"You didn't feel the need to let us know you were going again?"

Side eye. Shaking his head. "No ma, I didn't. Its none of your fucking business."

"Michael be reasonable. You're acting like an entitled asshole."

Here we go again.

"Look at all that money you are spending on cruising could go towards school."

"Ma, I can't stand school. It's not for me. It's so god damn boring. I finished high school. You don't need a degree to live a good life. Life experiences, adventure. That's learning. I tried college, it wasn't for me. I had fun though."

"You are giving up too quick."

"Look I am very good at what I do." Mike is actually very proud of his body. "I work out 1 hour a day, 6 days a week. I follow a strict diet. Very strict as you well know. And I do make decent money with Uber."

"I just think you could be something far more successful than a pathetic taxi driver."

"You know who you sound like? You sound like that bitch Kathy now."

Kathy Chisolm was Mike's girlfriend all through high school and Kathy's college years. She graduated with honors but she was sorely disappointed in him leaving school. He did take her out and treat her well for four years so she hung in there as long as she could. Eventually, she came to realize that Mike being an Uber driver was all he was going to be. That wasn't good enough for her. She dumped him 3 days after graduation.

Mike has never recovered. Kathy left him and is now, years later is married to some IT whiz. Mike just can't get over it. Hard to just let go of the girl who takes your virginity. He felt used and abused, spent. But that is okay, he found a much better way to satisfy his urge.

------

[Jungle Rat]

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7PM Thursday night

Mike slept all day and well into the early afternoon. He has the packing ritual for cruising down cold, particularly when he is going away for 16 days. It takes him about a half hour usually to complete.


With the checklist complete he's good to go. He's done this a few times before, consistency is what saves time. He showers, puts on a pair of sweatpants, his Brady hat, a t-shirt, a pair of flip-flops. In just 10 minutes he's able to pack everything into one garment bag 1 large suitcase, and a carry on. He grabs a small cooler, puts 4 freeze packs in it and loads everything into his car. He stops into Foodies to grab some munchies. Last stop before I-95, gas up the car. Let's go.

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3AM Friday morning, somewhere in Virginia

Traveling on the East Coast at night makes the most sense. Minus the drug runners, you cut out all the rush hour traffic and make excellent time. All the state troopers seem to be sleeping. Nice. Mike has found that with enough caffeine and adrenaline, and his glo sticks, he can almost make it to Florida before he needs to stop and sleep. The anticipation of 16 one night stands get the blood flowing. Mike pulls off 95 to rub one out. Conquest!

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4PM Friday afternoon, somewhere in Georgia

Mike pulls into a Wyndham right off 95. He's spent. He can't go a mile further. He needs some sleep. He needs a shower. Wyndham works. $49 for the night. Better call ma before she sends our the GBI.

"Where the hell are you Mike? You wait this long to call? Do you fucking know how worried I am?"

I don't know? "Georgia ma, Georgia. Calm down. You'renext veins gonna burst."

"Alright, look asshole. Have a good time. Be safe. Call me later."

"Absolutely ma, absolutely."

"Yeah right Michael."

CallsTed.

Ted is Mikes best friend from high school, Mike's only real friend. Ted actually gets off hearing Mike's stories with the women. Ted though, is the only one who gets all the sloppy details. Ted at least gets it.

"You think you can keep them heffers under 250 pounds this time?"

"You know that defeats the whole purpose Ted my man. Maybe they will be under and maybe they wont. I am not going to pull out a fucking scale."

"You know Mike............................." "At some point, someone is going to learn your scheme and when that happens, you wont be able to do this shit anymore."

"How the fuck are they going to do that? I know you'll keep cool. Right? Sure hope so Ted. Don't fuck with my penis!"

"Of course not Mike, I would never.............." "But eventually, someone is going to figure out. When that happens, you are not going to be able to do this anymore. The world will be wise."

"Fuck the world."

"You going to develop all those pictures again?"

"Stupid question. I'm gonna be old one day and I want to be able to look at them and reminisce about when I was able to sport wood. Its the titties that will help me remember."

"Well if you can Mike, give me a call when you get to the Bahamas. Just don't call between 10AM and 10:15, that is our stand-up meeting. Any other time."

"What the fuck is a 15 minute stand up meeting?"

"Fuck you Mike."

[Jungle Rat]

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Saturday 5:22 PM, Miami, FL

Mike sat down for lunch before boarding. A salad with oil and vinegar, a glass of iced water, and six-ounce filet done rare with a side of carrots. He actually enjoys the flavor of steak and refuses to char-broil it well done into a McDonalds hamburger even though Burger King is the char-broil place. Earlier in the day he checked into a seedy little motel on the edge of town. Half hour, hour, night. There are working girls on every corner but that doesn't interest Mike. Sex for money? Defeats the whole purpose of this trip. Besides, he brought almost no money. Sorry ladies. I need this dick STD free.

His car is safely snuck away in a secure parking lot at the ripe old price of $5 a day. He's just a short Uber ride from the terminal. And he'll be one the first ones on the ship. Gotta grab the perfect spot for when the heffers board.

He spoke to both his parents one last time before boarding the ship. The Grand Illusion. Hopefully it's not a Styx theme. That would be lame but explain the heffer increase. He has sailed "GI" before. He recogzizes a few of the crew although he wonders if they remember him. He smiles at one cute blonde but she quickly looks away. Hmmmm.

Although he is still pretty, the older he gets, the easier it gets to spot the 35 year old woman. And that IS the target market, 35. A magical number. Yeah 40 year olds are better in the sack but 35 year olds smell better. If there is a God I know he will agree.

35.

Mike isn't sure if he'll still be doing this until he himself is also 35 (or maybe even 45) but he's quite certain that the jig will be up long before then. His titty fettish as a child has to be gotten control of. Everything has a lifespan, including the scheme. Its just a matter of how long it lives before it will no longer function.

Its like all those older books you pick up at the used book store on strategies at winning poker that no one ever does. Those do not work anymore because everyone who plays poker has already mastered them. Thus, any advantage you could gain over your opponent not knowing what to do and what to look for, that is nullified by the fact that now everyone is good. You need to come up with a new strategy, a new way of looking at the game that will give you an edge. And you can't let anyone else know about it like I did with Ted.

35.

Charm doesn't work anymore. This is not 1962, and he is not Sean Connery. Charm doesn't really work for anyone, at least not in this modern age of information, education, income, and hypergamy. Especially when you look like a horseface and use confidence and charm, they will see right through it. You get labeled a creep, a loser, you'll get no play. The escort you off the ship sometimes too and don't let you back. No stick with what works, stick with what no one has yet to maximize.

35.

"I don't even remember which are the ports on the first cruise..." Mike mumbled to himself.

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Sunday 10:44 AM Miami cruise terminal

"As you know Mr Cappel, we do not officially open the ship up for boarding until noontime."

"Yeah, I know Gopher."

"But because you are a return guest and you are not all that interested in getting in your cabin that might not yet be cleaned from the last cruise..." she motions toward the gangway. "You can make your way onto the ship."

"They have the sun-and-sail away card scanner setup at the entrance?"

"Yes. They set that up around 9:30. There will be someone at the scanner to take the card for the embarkation. You might even luck into a glass of champagne. There is no one there yet to take your picture on the gangway but I don't think you care about that." She laughs at the horseface joke.

"You figured right. Is Ramone still working the dinning room for table assignments."

"Good question." type-type-type-type "Looks like it yes. He's definitely working this cruise. As to whether or not he is matre-de, I can't tell yet."

"I'll find out, thanks."

Mike says goodbye and brings all his luggage all by himself like a big boy right onto the ship. First stop, his dirty cabin to deposit his bags. Second stop, the "GI" grand dinning room.

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11:13 AM

"Ramone!"

"Ahh Mr cappel, I saw your name on the manifest. Welcome back Mr Cappel."

Mike slips Ramone a $1 bill.

"You know what I need."

Smiling, almost in a cunning matter. "Yes sir, yes sir I do. Same table as last time?"

"Yes. Please. Are there any heffers on this run"

"Oh we'll have lots of those behemoths on this cruise. I'm quite sure the ones who just fleeced their exes are sailing with the girlfriends and they will be plentiful. You want the men who are Friend's of Dorothy at the table as well?"

"Yes, that usually makes it even easier. How often do you find men in my situation."

"You are the only one sir, the only one. You are one of a kind that's for sure, (as he chuckles under his breath) The unmarried men who sail, they are all recently widowers and very old or Friend's of Dorothy. You are one of a kind sir, of that I can assure you. Definitely one of a kind."

tap-tap-tap-tap-type-type

"Alright, table 12. It seats 12. I'll put as many of them there as I can. Sometimes they ask for their own private table, but rarely. I won't tell them it's your table if that's ok."

"Thank you Ramone."

[DooKSucks]

Heh

[Jungle Rat]

Chapter Two

6:27 PM

Just half-an-hour earlier there was the mandatory lifeboat drill for the entire ship. Once that happens, no other passengers or crew are allowed on or off. The Captain doesn't want to have to do the drill all over again, waste of time. And these ships, they cost an upwards of $10,000 a minute while operating. Time is money. No fucking around. Mike babbles on about some senseless bullshit about running duty free shops that no one cares about. Mike isn't all that bright but he knew as much. Either way, the instant the drill ended, the ships idled engines really kicked into life as they started to move away from the pier.

Mike strolled into the dining room fashionably late but not late enough to look like an asshole. Ships that have assigned seating for dining, they don't keep the doors open at all times as they need to turn over all the tables for the next dining session. As it turns out, Mike was the last person to the table, attracting glances. It forces him to sit in the only seat still open. Mike never bothered to check his bags when he embarked so he had his entire wardrobe to use for the first dinner. Unlike the other losers still in their pajamas, Mike was dressed to the nines. The grey suit with a red tie, black shoes. Just a dab of fuck-me collogne. Ralph Lauren Polo.

At the table, wow. What a Clusterfuck this turned out to be. 2 fat homos (always at my table) dressed all gay and shit. There was an older gentleman with his wife. The two of them looked to be about 90. The wife kept farting and acting like it wasn't her like my grandma used to do. They either asked to sit with younger people or the friends they came with already died. The other seven were bitches.

Three of them appeared to be in their early to late 50s. Or as we say, in their 50s. All were wearing rings, all appeared to be married. Or at least they wanted me to think so. Cunts. Annual girls trips. Always fun. I've heard. As marriages get more and fractured and specialized, that type of shit happens with more regularity. In any event a no-go for Mike. Mike is an idiot. Don't be like Mike.

The other 4 women, were each couples of two. One set looked to be in their late late 20s, both thin, both very hot looking. They weren't wearing their dress best yet (probably didn't get their suitcases into their cabin yet from the ship who took possession of them when they checked their bags.) (No shit Moron) But they were both made up nice and it looked like they each spent at least 30 minutes straightening their long hair. Because Ive counted my mom do it many times. Impressive. In any event, they were Mike's enemies at the table. And why? BECAUSE THEY HAVE VIGINAS! The other set of ladies, they were in their late 30s, both morbidly obese (at least 250 pounds each) and smiling right at Mike as he walked right over to the open seat sitting right next to one of them. These are the fuckable ones. JACKPOT! Mr Sulu, set target of my penis phaser directly at their tight assholes. Because Star Trek quotes work wonders with the ladies. Mike knows this.

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6:52 PM

"Pina Colada please" said hot Becky. "Just charge it to the room sweetie. So Mike, what do you do?" 28 year old hottie, reverting into full hypergamy mode.

"Self-employed."

"So evasive. Maybe you are just a loser?" Giggles. Looking at Mike for a reaction. Gets none. "You could have a medical practice or maybe be a drug dealer? Or even worse, you could be one of those fake pastor types. They're creepy."

"I wish I was a drug dealer. I don't make that kind of money." At this point, Becky shuts down. She'll be in listening mode but no further inquiries from her over dinner at least.

"Is this your first cruise Mike?" said Samantha.

"Yep." Mike lied. "You know I always wanted to go on one of these."

"Why alone?"

"Well, I have a lot of friends. I mean a lot of friends." (Says no one with a bunch of friends) Mike turns away from Samantha and looks longingly at the two fat girls. "But you know..." sighs a little, add some breathy-ness to his next remark to get those 'ginas wet (WHAT!!?) "...my close friends lack both the level of commitment and accountability to plan something like this AND they can't save two pennies to pay for it." Looks down at his shrimp cocktail. Remembers what he rehersed. "I envy you ladies." Pretty tough to remember right? Gronk need Food!

Fat Ann and Fat Brianne are grinning ear to ear. Their nipples are so hard they cut salami. The two of them babble on about absolutely nothing of importance over the next 5 minutes about how lucky they are to have each other as such close friends and even luckier to meet such a man as Mike. Again, nothing of importance. Becky was looking at this interaction with a face that lost all expression. Like a daughter watching her dad shit in her moms mouth. Samantha was starting to get annoyed.

"So for your first time cruising Mike, your FIRST TIME, tell me, what plans do you have in the ports?"

"I haven't booked anything yet" Mike answered. And he wont be booking anything. But he is slowly coming to the realization that Samantha, she is on to him.

"What are you doing after dinner Mike?" the now very visibly erect nippled and moist Brianne asked?

"There is a 70's disco bar on the deck right above us. After the 8PM departure show, you'll find me there. Music was way before our time but it is fun and you can dance to it." Dance to disco? You're shitting me?

"Oh WE'LL BE THERE Mike!" echoed back Ann.

Becky was busily stirring her Pina Colada, trying to make sense of something that made no sense. What do these heffers see in this horsefaced mick? He smells like my grandpa. Samantha was looking straight at Mike. She was trying to get him to look her eye-to-eye. Mike would have none of it. He wants a heffer.

Don't be like Mike

[hedge]

"Ann, always the romantic, just wanted to make sure the man who she was letting rub lotion on his penis and enter her tight asshole bareback to blow his load inside her really loved her."

I may be a little off on the timeline here, but how long have these two known each other?

[hedge]

"It took Mike quite a bit longer to blow his second load, but both very verile loads were deposited unreproductively in the two colons and not the two uteruses."

Now I understand why this was named the GI cruise....

[Jungle Rat]

Haven't read that one yet.

[Dave23]

"It took Mike quite a bit longer to blow his second load, but both very verile loads were deposited unreproductively in the two colons and not the two uteruses."

Now I understand why this was named the GI cruise....

A+

Well done!

[Jungle Rat]

I think we finally ran him off. Thank God

[Jungle Rat]

"Like a daughter watching her dad shit in her moms mouth."

Aw cmon. That was funny!

[hedge]

Where's the next installment? IB??

[Tree]

This is making me want to go watch The Room.

[innocentbystander]

Where's the next installment? IB??

Late tonight

[innocentbystander]

Chapter Three

Over the next 36 hours, it was a whirlwind of sex and emotion for both Brianne and Ann. Mike said that he was in love with both of them and the two of them had shared that with each other (privately.) Each one thought she was special because never in their lives, have they been fucked by a man who was (on his worst day) a 9. That said, Brianne and Ann were both raised by DODOs (dads of daughters ONLY) and as such, they were both led to believe that they were special enough to deserve the man who was the 9. They felt entitled. And for the first time in their life, they were getting what their daddies, promised.

Ann and Brianne also had private conversations with Becky and Samantha. Becky mostly just pretended to listen to whatever they were saying while still being focused on the ship's officers or anyone that would be willing to pay for her drinks. But Samantha, no, she actually paid attention. She listened. She processed the information. She cared. And in processing this information, Samantha came to the exact same conclusion that she came to on Sunday evening: Mike is a player.

Tuesday, 10:21 AM Nassau Bahamas

Mike did not have a lot of money. He had a lot of connections. And he learned that you didn't have to have a lot of money in the Bahamas if you get to know the locals and get to patronize where the locals go. And one such place was the Bahama hut.

The Bahama hut wasn't much more than a hut. It was just a tiny bar where all the patrons sit outside on all of 5 stools. Marco was the bar owner and the bar was open when Marco simply opened the outer windows that lined the bar. And over the last couple years, Marco and Mike developed a very good friendship.

"Mr Mike sir, the usual?"

"Oh yes Marco, pour me my breakfast sir."

The blender span into motion. A frozen banana-daquiri was instantly made for Mike.

"How long will the ship be in port Mr Mike sir?"

"Oh wow, 9 hours. You should have seen all the people lining up to get off the ship. They were in such a hurry. Rookies."

"Did you have any plans yourself on the island?"

"Just sitting here with you Marco, just sitting here alone with you and yakking about these two new conquests."

Mike and Marco were not alone though.

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Samantha worked for a private investigator. That was not a piece of information that she was sharing with anyone on the ship. But its fine, no one cared enough to ask her. Her title was receptionist. She worked the front desk, answered the phone, booked appointments, and gave pricing quotes over the phone. But over the last 5 years of paying very close attention to what her boss does to run his business, Samantha has started to pick up some of the art of the business. The art she is trying to do right now, is surveylence. That is the art of "stalking" someone, without them knowing you are there AND paying attention to what they are doing.

"You couldn't believe these two women Marco. Well, I guess they are women." Alcohol is really hitting Mike hard now. "Just, would not believe them. They are so stupid."

"Why is that Mr Mike?" Marco pours him another.

"Well get this, these two are roommates. They are close friends. All I had to tell them is that I loved them and boom, fun in their bum!"

"Oh Mr Mike, what if they tell each other what you sa--"

Now slurring his words "Oh they communicated that to each other on our first night together! Get this, they are actually OKAY with me saying I love both of them. This is has never been so easy."

"It appears you are having a great cruise sir."

"Oh yeah, its never been so easy. I don't even have to try and be two different people with them. I can completely relax and just tell them I love them. Marco tell me, what is love?"

Two of them bust out laughing.

Samantha was watching from just 40 feet away. She can hear everything. She is not laughing.

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1:23 PM

Mike is so completely intoxicated, he can barely walk. Its a nice buzz though. He made sure to drink 48 ounces of bottled water before he left Marco's bar. Mike knows the routine. A hangover is just dehydration. Just drink a whole lot of water and when you wake up, you will NOT be hungover.

Stumbling along, he could focus only on the location of the ship. He made a very slow, but very steady bee line for the ship. Stumbling again, but someone rushed in to grab his arm to keep him from falling. It was Samantha.

"How are you doing there big guy?"

"wha--- Samantha?" Total shock. "I didn't uhh.... didn't uhhhh... see ya."

"Well I didn't want to be found. But it appears I need to step in to help."

"I thank you my dear, I thank you."

Samantha was now partially holding Mike up as she locked arms with Mike.

"So tell me Mike, how many Banana Daquaris?"

"What, how did you... did you... what were.... you were, how were, how did you..."

"I was sitting at another bar Mike, listening to your conversation."

Shocked. Sobering up very quicly now. "How much... how much did you..."

"More than enough Mike, more than enough." Still walking him, the two of them were just 1000 feet from the gangway. "So, do I have to be the one who tells Ann and Brianne the truth or are you man enough to do it?"

"I don't, I don't, I can't, wait lets...." Mike was so stupid. "Can we cut some kind of whatever?"

"Perhaps. But if you want to keep those poor ladies in the dark, then you and I are going to play 20 questions."

[Jungle Rat]

I can't fix this. Mike is a lightweight.

[DooKSucks]

Mike is a fucking pussy.