Uncle Bud

[Jungle Rat]

Always wondered what happened to Mook.

[eCat]

of course he might have been justified in being angry if dickweed jumped into a charging station ahead of him.

When we go grocery shopping at the local supermarket there is often a que (yea I said que, kiss my ass) to get to the self check out stuff , but the self checkout is 3 on one side and 3 on the other with a counter dividing them.

its almost always one line and people wait for the next available self check out, but sometimes you get someone who thinks everyone is standing in a line just to use the 3 on one side and they are in their own personal line for the remaining 3.

I wouldn't be surprised if that happened here where one guy was waiting in line to use a specific charger like at a gas station and the other person(s) were waiting for the next available one to open up.

But in either case, the dude was way overly angry, which was probably cause in part due to his condition.

[aTm]

The asian guy who obviously has some brain missing due to like a stroke or something I think was the one who was actually in possession of the charging spot. The other guy got mad that the asians supposedly jumped in front of him. Asian guy was not in control of his emotions.

[10ac]

queue

[eCat]

I think I gave a pre-emptive kiss my ass on that

[Jungle Rat]

The McRib is back. Now hedge can gain back the crack weight.

[eCat]

man

you ever watch the Soprano's episode where the guy was so constipated he like had an aneurysm and stroked out on the toilet?

I think I came close. I had to go all day but kept putting it off, finally got home, waited for the wife to get ready to go out and I go do my thing.

I like not being rushed but about 30 seconds in I knew I was in trouble. This was not moving, so I went to my tried and true - I pulled my ass further apart on the toilet, still nothing so I pull further apart again - eventually my ass was parallel with the toilet and my asshole was stretched out to about the size of a .50 cent piece. Still no movement. I'm straining, pushing, grimacing and this goes on for like 20 minutes.

Now my legs are getting numb so I'm standing up which hurts because it feels like I have a baseball bat shoved up my ass, so I'm up, down, up, down all the while straining and grunting. Next i take my pants off and put one foot on the sink thinking maybe a new position will help. Then I switch feet. then I sit back down, then I'm back up - at this point I don't care if I shit on the floor, I just want this turd out of me.

My wife comes by the door on her way out and asks me if everything is OK, I tell her "I think I'm in trouble". She asks me if I need anything and then lightbulb, I say, bring me a popsicle stick and don't ask me why. Much to my suprise she goes to our craft box and brings me two popsicle sticks, slides them under the door to me without saying a word - I think she knew this was such a strange request you just do what I ask and hope paramedics aren't involved later on, so I take one and start jabbing it up my out stretched ass trying to break up the concrete turd that is placed precipitously on the inside edge of my butthole. It wasn't a pleasant experience digging out little turdlets with my wooden ass shovel but I was blocked up and needed relief. Eventually the turd broke like the ice thaw in an Alaskan river at spring with one neck cramping, eye twitching push and I proceeded to shove out well over 12" of this monstrosity. I think it ripped my soul from me on its way out

Here I am covered in sweat, dizzy, with numb legs holding a shit covered popsicle stick staring down at my own mortality in the form of a brown snake. Thank god it didn't clog the toilet. I wrapped the shit pick in toilet paper, lit a match, washed my hands like Howard Hughes after someone sneezed on him and laid down on the couch. I've never had to rest after taking a shit before. Even as I type this a good 30 minutes later I'm still weak kneed.

Tomorrow I drink water by the gallon. This is not happening again.

[hedge]

If that's not the definitive Goat Pen post of all time, I don't know what is...

[AlabamAlum]

Haha....sounds like you need a daily Colace. It's OTC now. That and a glass of metamucil every second or third day.

[Jungle Rat]

Wine works better.

[eCat]

I bought metamucil about 2 years ago thinking it was time

I guess i was waiting for a sign

this is it

[BigRedMan]

All you needed was a poop knife and you would have been just fine.

However, get on the fiber stuff soon.

[AlabamAlum]

I really can't recommend Colace enough. It's not a laxative per se, it's a stool softener. Good stuff. Also, fluids, exercise, eat a salad now and again, and knock off the opiods.

[eCat]

is that over the counter?

oh sorry, I didn't see you typed OTC until I read it again

I am going to get some at lunch

[eCat]

All you needed was a poop knife and you would have been just fine.

However, get on the fiber stuff soon.

clearly the poop knife story struck a cord with big eaters like me

[hedge]

I have actually found the reverse problem with the mostly keto diet I've been on for awhile. I probably need more fiber for better solidity, but it's hard to get much without carbs...

[Jungle Rat]

I poop water every day

[bluetick]

Jesus Mary & Joseph

[eCat]

I'm strategic with my pooping now.

Its like showering, I'm doing it every day whether I need to or not

[Saint]

I've had big turds get stubborn with my sphincter. They regretted once they crowned and my sphincter spat them against the back wall of the toilet, crumpling their once fine form.

I know I shit about 5-7 pounds one day last week. But that turd knew better than to fuck with my colon and came out in orderly chunks. There was a little sass midway with some softserve but it got its shit together (literally) for the rest of the dump.